An Unbearably Embarrassing Morning

For most of my life, I’ve tried to live by a mantra - “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” Translation? Being first isn’t always the best. But as I pushed my forties, with graying hair and an expanding waistline, I thought maybe waking up early for a run might do me some good. This one morning, I felt exceptionally energetic and decided to head out for a run way earlier than my usual time. I usually ran around 7 AM, but that day, for some reason, 4:30 AM seemed perfect. I felt like I’d tapped into the secret lives of those overly energetic morning people. Little did I know, it was the start of the most embarrassing day of my life.

As I tied my shoelaces and began my run, I reveled in the stillness of the morning. The city seemed asleep, the sky was painted in hues of deep blue, and a gentle wind played with my hair. The peacefulness gave me a chance to think and, in many ways, run away from life’s stresses. However, twenty minutes into my run, I felt unusually breezy, especially around my legs. I stopped, looked down, and gasped.

In my eagerness to embrace the morning, I’d forgotten to change into my running shorts. Instead, there I was, out and about, in nothing but my lucky underwear - a garish, bright pair with cartoon pineapples that my kids had gifted me on Father’s Day as a joke. I stood frozen for what felt like hours, considering my options. The town would wake up soon, and the last thing I wanted was to be the talk of the neighborhood or, worse, social media.

I decided the quickest and safest route home would be through the woods, along the creek. It was less traveled and offered a lot of cover. Like a sneaky cartoon character, I tiptoed, skidding, and sliding, trying to use every tree and bush as a shield. But, as the saying goes, when it rains, it pours.

As I was almost out of the woods and could see my house, I heard a rustling behind me. Turning around, I nearly bumped snouts with a very curious and very awake bear. It blinked at me, probably just as surprised to see a man in pineapple underwear as I was to see it. The next moment felt like a dream. Without a second thought, my body went into overdrive. Forget my previous records; I became Usain Bolt 2.0. I dashed like never before, with the bear seemingly as alarmed as I was. Maybe it wasn’t used to seeing middle-aged men sprinting in colorful underwear.

Panting and out of breath, I reached my backyard and, without breaking stride, leaped over my fence, performing a stunt that could put professional athletes to shame. Safe in my backyard, I turned around to see the bear had stopped at the edge of the woods, seemingly confused and deciding to give up on whatever it thought about the strange human.

Back inside, heart still racing, I slid down to the floor, catching my breath. It was barely 6 AM, and I had lived through enough adventure to last a lifetime. My wife, roused by my spectacular entrance, came downstairs, took one look at me, and burst into laughter. “You decided to give the neighbors a free show?” she asked between giggles.

As the days passed, my embarrassing underwear adventure became the stuff of family legend. The bear encounter? It became a testament to my newfound athletic prowess. Friends and family joked that I should consider running marathons, preferably fully clothed.

In all this madness, I learned a few lessons:

1. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, check if you’re appropriately dressed before stepping out.
2. Facing your fears (or bears) can lead to personal bests.
3. And finally, the early bird might get the worm, but the bird in underwear gets a good story out of it.

Now, when I do my early morning runs, I double-check my attire. And when I pass the woods, I give a little nod to my bear friend, the one who helped me achieve my personal best run. After all, every cloud - or early morning blunder - has a silver lining.

• Share this article: